On SNL, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet-
(french poodle is brought out)
Brian Fellow: Why does that dog hate America so much
The guy:....It....well it doesn’t
Brian Fellow: Well, it just needs to remember that if it weren’t for us, that French
poodle would be barking in German
...and don’t be all "america sucks"......I will probably agree, no arguments
over a joke please!
lmao oh witty comedy is the best...and it is a spin on the actual thing, he was lecturing
a squirrel about not reading a newspaper....
:::random thoughts:::
What’s with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke
thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Can’t we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out
to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don’t they just give us a
trigonometry quiz with the menu?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn’t that the basic idea behind
the wheel? Don’t they rotate on their own?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of
you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we
are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but
now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
:::scientific observations:::
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always
lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of
a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat
array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it’s easier to go faster
when you’re always going downhill.
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place,
they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost
r’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in
"erl wells."
:::JACK HANDY:::
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it’s made up of two separate words - "mank" and
"ind". What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want
anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act
like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it
won’t bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff
could happen and it could be like ambition.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and
tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I’m a coward.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to
their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface
attached to the end of a long stick.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make
someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I
call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this
started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my
dad.
Most people don’t realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and
attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they
screamed all the time for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re
coming home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but
inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
If you’re ever in a plane getting ready to take off, and you see another plane crash into
something, just smile, because hey, there have never been back to back plane crashes.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll
go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door,
I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in
the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a
lot better, and no harm done.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a
dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the
most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.
If I could be a bird, I’d be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing
about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don’t know
I’m using blanks.
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a
joke that gets old real fast.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in
front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s
carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.
To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That
way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry,
got these sacks."
If you’re robbing a bank and you’re pants fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let
the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will
really throw you into a panic.
Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I’d
like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don’t
tell you is that every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an Angel gets set on fire.
If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those
small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are
thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
If you’re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on
you, I think you should buck him off right away.
...okay, yah, that was funny, admit it. lol
Yahoo: solielstarz
AIM: HeureuxAmour
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