| Bio: |
im a good old country folk kinda boy....20 years old and just getting into the
scene......it started with miller taking me to WEMF 06.....blew my head off my
shoulders!!! i work full time and in my spare time im drinking and partying...i love to
get high....marijuna is a plant not a drug...look it up...i wanna know of any parties in
the general southwestern ontario area...let the music live!
I LOVE TO DRINK!!!!!! I LOVE MARIJUANA
Why beer is better than Religion:
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant
you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well
with pizza.
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll
get back to killing you with beer.
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is
hunted, it is the slowest and weakest at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.In much the same
way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know,
excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. This is why you always
feel smater after a few beers.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the
glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I
didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come
true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
Thank you for noticing this notice. Now that you've noticed this notice, you may have
noticed that this notice is noticably unnoticable. You may wish to make a note of this.
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being assaulted by your wife
with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying
somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the a*se and having the balls to say -
"You're next fatty."
Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV.
If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I
was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger
and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has
set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the
engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to
the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers
and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me
while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an
issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like
milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or
"Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any
circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene
product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it
apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop
and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know
where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is
always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so
don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us,
or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you
got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up
something for my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to
go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the
one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it
increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I
don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're
crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors
comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his
picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in
Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this
fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing
five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it
looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millennium, I will share equally in the
housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the
rest.
8 simple misunderstandings...
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER
8.15 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
8.30 - Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday
8.45 - Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents -
expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9.15 - Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10.00 - Light work out at club with handsome funny personal trainer
10.30 - Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry
12.00 - Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12.45 - Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 7kg
1.00 - Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3.00 - Nap
4.00 - Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card id from secret admirer
4.15 - Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he
rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5.30 - Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror
7.30 - Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other
diners/dancers
10.00 - Hot shower (alone)
10.50 - Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen)
11.00 - Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11.15 - Fall asleep in his big strong arms
_____________________________
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM
6.00 - Alarm
6.15 - Blow job
6.30 - Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section
7.00 - Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked chicks with
big tits
7.30 - Limo arrives
7.45 - Several Whiskeys en-route to airport
9.15 - Flight in personal Lear Jet
9.30 - Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9.45 - Play front nine (2 under)
11.45 - Lunch Pie, chips and gravy, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12.15 - Blow job
12.30 - Play back nine (4 under)
2.15 - Limo back to the airport (Several Whiskeys)
2.30 - Fly to Monte Carlo
3.30 - Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)
4.30 - Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle
5.00 - Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson
6.45 - Shit, Shower and Shave
7.00 - Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marajuana and porn legalized
7.30 - Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by
Icecream served on a pair of tits
9.00 - Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch
international match of the day;England beat Wales 31-0
9.30 - Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies) 9.31
11.00 - Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale
11.30 - A nightcap blowjob
11.45 - In bed alone
11.50 - A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
ARIES
Drinking style:
Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to Call it a night.
Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy,
fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk
is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can
become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be
forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you so
long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky
Gemini.
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
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Rules to remember when you’re tripping:
1) Cars can hurt you.
2) You cannot fly.
3) Its never a good time to die.
4) Taking your clothes off will draw attention.
5) Keep mouth shut at all times in public.
6) Although you may see things that are not there, you won’t NOT see things
that aren’t there.
7) Don’t forget how to burp
8) Only carry a house-key, some loose change, and your address in your shoe
9) Nobody can tell you are tripping till you tell them "I’m
tripping".
10) No matter how fucked you think you are, you’ll eventually come down.
WOMAN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = Yes (unless the question was, 'are you okay?' when the answer 'Yes' would mean,
'yes I was ok but now you have had to ask me I am not ok anymore')
2. No = No (unless the question was related to food in which case the answer would mean
'no I don't want to appear greedy so I will just take from your plate').
3. Maybe = No (unless you have a good bargaining tool).
4. We need = You need... and I can't believe you haven't mentioned it yet.
5. I am sorry = (followed by) but it's over.
6. We need to talk = Turn off the tv and face me now, at least appear to be listening.
7. Sure, go ahead = If you're ready for the consequences.
8. Do what you want = If you're prepared to do it without me.
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Now I know how good it can be I will expect this
every time.
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = Make me dinner.
2. I am sleepy = Go on top.
3. I am tired = So I can't do anything for myself.
4. Nice dress = Response to, 'does my bum look big in this?'
5. I love you = Thank you for cooking/cleaning/ironing/generally taking over from my
mother.
6. I am bored = Can we stop talking about sex and start doing it?
7. May I have this dance? = May I press myself up against you in an attempt to seem manly
but really I am so lonely I need to get off any way I can?
8. Can I call you sometime? = Do you have a muscle bound husband who is likely to beat me
with a hammer if I call you?
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I am bored with your constant conversation, lets go
somewhere it is actually frowned upon to talk.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = How about a Burger King?
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I have a death wish and I am looking
for the easy road to hell. |
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