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Man: "Haven’t we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic."


Man: "Haven’t I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore."


Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."


Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under the rock?"


Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine."


Man: "I’d like to call you. What’s your number?"
Woman: "It’s in the phone book."


Man: "But I don’t know your name."
Woman: "That’s in the phone book too."


Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I’m a female impersonator."


Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."


Man: "Hey, baby, what’s your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter"


Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"


Man: "Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason."

Woman: "Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!"


Man: "I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"


Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."


Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts."


Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh, you’re so right. I want you to leave."


Man: "If I could just see you naked, I’d die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing."


Man: "Hey, cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don’t date outside my species."


Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."


Man: "I’d go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let’s start with your bank account."


Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Pick up lines (that could get you in trouble):

*I’d like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feedbag.

*If it’s true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning.

*My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in.

*Roses are red, violets are blue. I like spaghetti, let’s go fuck

*Is that a keg in your pants? Cuz I’d love to tap that ass.

*I’m not too good at algebra, but doesn’t U+I=69?



*If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.

*Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘nice doggy’ till you can find a rock.

*Hartley’s First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on
his back, you’ve got something.

*You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*Why do they call it common sence? Not everybody has it!

*Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald’s makes you
a hamburger.

*If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

*Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark

*What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

*The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

*When you put your problems into words, you also put them into perspective.

*If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.

*Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.

*Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living; the other helps you make
a life.

*People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Ben Franklin said
it first.

*The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

*Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

*All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

*A well-spent day brings happy sleep.
*Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway. – Isabelle
Holland

*If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from
toadstools. – Katherine Mansfield

*If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. – Katherine Hepburn

*The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea.

*The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

*Birthdays only come once a year,
arent you glade your not a birthday

*There are many ways to say I love you but,
fucking is the fastest

*Jesus loves you,
everyone else thinks your an asshole

*If your trying to act like a dumb ass,
your doing a great job

*Sex is like snow
you never know how deep it goes,
or how long it will last

*Money’s short
times are hard
heres a fucking greeting card

*She offered her honer
he honered her offer
and all through the night it was on her and off her

*Have a shitty day

*Shit happends

*A hard man is GOOD to find

*The shortest distance between you and me is a really big sex toy!!!

Men Put Downs

What did God say after creating man?
...Hmm, I can do better!


Why is Mr. Potato Head the perfect man?
...He’s tan, he’s cute, and if he looks at another woman you can rearrange his face.


Why is psychoanalysis a lot easier for men than for women?
...Because when it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there!


Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
...Because none of them will stop to ask for directions.



How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
...Make him wear shoes!


What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
..."My wife says..."

Why do women live longer than men?
...Someone has to stick around and clean up after them!

Why do men like smart women?
...Opposites attract.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
...Because after 20 seconds they forget what happened!

Why are dumb blonde jokes usually short?
...So men can understand them.


Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
...To stop the snoring before it starts!

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
...We cook - they eat.
We clean - they dirty

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the
ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they’re practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing
part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his
one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

WORST THINGS TO SAY ON A FIRST DATE

I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but the last couple of weeks I’ve
gotten it under control.

I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ... but could I borrow five hundred
dollars?

Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today.

Something tells me that you’re very special ... but with medication I can usually ignore
it.

I don’t see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice."


Do you want to play doctor? That’ll be two hundred dollars.

Wait till my wife hears about this!

I had a good time tonight. I’d love to see you again in six to eight months with good
behavior.



I hate men who think they can lie to me and get away with it!!!!!



I dont like to be told what to do and what I cannot do and I just want to have fun!!! I am
not ready to grow up


"I may grow old but I will never grow up!!!!!"
Thats my story and I am sticking to it!!!


If it wasn’t for all the ass holes then I wouldnt be the person I am today and even
though they helped make me who I am they can all kiss my ass and go to
FUCKING HELL
There are some assholes on pr and he knows who he is. I am not mad anymore so you dont be
either!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!