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Everyting happens because it is only a reaction... "life" is how you interpret
the action/reaction relationship.

Ever since primitive man began to think, the words of our ancestors and of the
gods, supported by the actions and spirit of our forefathers, have constantly impressed on
us that life is the calamity for man, not death. Death gives freedom to our souls and lets
them depart to their own pure home where they will know nothing of any calamity; but while
they are confined within a mortal body and share its miseries, in strict truth they are
dead. For association of the devine with the mortal is most improper. Certainly the soul
can do a great deal even when imprisoned in the body: it makes the body its own organ of
sense, moving it invisibly and impelling it in its actions further than mortal nature can
reach. but when, freed from the weight that drags it down to earth and is hung about it,
the soul returns to its own place, then in truth it partakes of a blessed power and an
utterly unfettered strength, remains as invisible to human eyes as GOD himself. Not even
while it is in the body can it be viewed; it enters undected and departs unseen, having
itself one imperishable nature, but causing a change in the body; for whatever the soul
touches lives and blossoms, whatever it deserts withers and dies: such a superabundance it
has of immortality.

Josephus, Jewish War, p. 387

While I respect the Judeo-Christian ethic, as well as the Eastern
philosophies and of course the teachings of Mohammed, I find that organised religion has
corrupted those believes to justify countless atrocities throughout history. If I were to
attend church, I'd be a hypocrite.

hmmm....what else to put here? well here are some words of wisdom...


1. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don’t just go by
size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

2. I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long.
Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as
the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he
had whittled off the paint.

3. I think this year I am going to cut down on my shrieking.

4. You would think that forming an angry mob would be easy. Trust me, it’s not.

5. There are two theories about what happens to a skunk if he gets into heaven. One is
that he no longer stinks. The other is that his stink is super strong. Both of these
theories are by me.

6. Anytime somebody asks you if you want a bucket of something, but they don’t say what it
is, say yes, because I can’t think of anything bad that comes in a bucket.

7. I guess one of my pet peeves is that sometimes I have no idea what people are talking
about.

8. The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then I told myself, “Go ahead and do
whatever you want, its okay by me.”

9. I guess the two things I’ve always wondered about flying saucers are, firstly, where do
they come from? And secondly, where do they go back to?

10. When I go to somebody’s house, I like to leave little “treats” behind. You’ll find out
what they are when you invite me.

11. A good way to look smart in a restaurant is to wait until you hear the people at the
next table talking about something, then suddenly interrupt them by saying, “Excuse me,
sir, but I beg to disagree.” And if they say, “Disagree with what?” just smile and say, “I
think you know.” Who is this mysterious disagreer?

12. We tend to laugh at hillbillies, and I guess that’s okay. But let me tell you
something about hillbillies: they’re fun to laugh at. Oh, I guess I said that.

13. I’ll never forget how happy I was when I got my first paycheck, because I thought, Oh,
boy, now I can quit.

14. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture
us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

15. The face of a child can say it all, especially in the mouth part of the face.

16. Isn’t it funny how whatever a party seems to be winding down at somebody’s house, you
can always keep it going just by talking a lot and eating and drinking whatever is left.

17. I can still remember Uncle Rick sitting in that chair of his, listening to opera. He’d
have this weird expression on his face. Then when he finally got untied from the chair,
he’d try to catch us. Man, he hated opera.

18. If you ever get whipped by a bullwhip, try to breathe in as the whip is going back and
out as it hits your back. Or is it the other way around? Anyway, you’ll figure it out.

19. You know what is the best way to tell if a shrunken head is a good one? Just give it a
good thump with your finger.

20. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain,
because later you might think you’re having a great idea, but it’s just eggs hatching.

21. In the middle Ages, a lot of doctors probably started out as tortures, because they
already had a lot of experience asking guys, “Does this hurt?”

22. Of all the causes of astronaut insanity, getting a fly caught inside your space helmet
is probably in the top three.

23. Uncle Joe was the preacher of the family. He used to tell us we were all going to hell
if we didn’t repent. After we all repented, he said we were going to hell if we didn’t buy
him a new car, he said we were going to hell if we didn’t get him a big glass of lemonade
anytime he asked for one. I think we got him two glasses of lemonade, and that seemed to
satisfy him. But then, right before he died, he told us we were all going to hell anyway.

24. You know the best way to avoid pressure? Just ignore it. That’s right, ignore it. But,
you say, what if my boss is pressuring me to work harder? You know what? I’m not even
going to answer that question.

25. As I watch the spider knitting his web, it reminded me of how Grandma would knit me a
sweater, and how bugs would get stuck in it.

26. If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber
bands, don’t let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice
on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he’ll thank you.

27. People ask me what folly is. I’ll tell you what folly is. Is it a kind of candy?

28. A man doesn’t automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for
it.

29. I hope someday some archaeologists find an ancient ventriloquists dummy, because it’ll
make us realize these people were more advanced than we thought.

30. As Larry watched, the big hammerhead shark circled closer and closer. His eyes were
empty and death-like, and so were the shark’s. He thought of all the things he should have
said to Linda, like “Help! A shark is attacking me!”

31. When Grandpa gave me ten dollars and asked me to go to the store and get some
groceries for him, I knew I had a choice: I could go buy candy and gumballs for me and my
friends, or I could buy model airplanes.

32. When I found a skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then
I got curious about it. I picked it up and started wondering who this person was and why
he had deer horns.

33. In the history of Mars, the Martians probably went through a cowboy stage just like we
did. And they’re just as ashamed of it as we are.

34. I’m glad there’s not a “Flaming Guy,” because thanks for saving us, but don’t sit
down, okay?

35. You can’t deny reality. I tried once, and I wound up
running across a field with my pants on fire and an old man with a shotgun chasing me.

36. I hope that if I’m ever loading an atom bomb onto a plane, and I see a snail attached
to the bomb, I will brush him off, because he doesn’t need to get involved in this.

37. Let’s be honest: isn’t a lot of what we call tap-dancing really just nerves.

38. “Who was that bum you were talking to?” said Tim.
“That ‘bum,’ as you call him, just happens to be the former president of the United
States,” I said.
“Yeah right,” said Tim. “Which president?”
“Jimmy Cantwell,” I said.
“There was no President Jimmy Cantwell,” he said.
I turned to ask President Cantwell about it, but he was running away, down the
street.

39. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across
in front as a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also
he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.

40. To me, boxing is like ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the
dancers hit each other.

41. When I was in the second grade, there was this other kid who always used to make fun
of me. His name was Stupen Dumbello. I think he was from a foreign country. He was real
fat and wore real thick glasses and had a bad complexion. One time after he made fun of me
I said to him: “Someday somebody’s going to make fun of you.” But I don’t think they ever
did.

42. When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they
gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said: “Hey, good job.”

43. You get the feeling that if Superman came and visited Tarzan, at first they’d get
along real well. But then Superman would be thinking, How can you live like this?

44. I cannot be truly happy until others around me are happy. And others cannot be happy
until someone fixes the TV.

45. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t
know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then, on the way out,
slam the door.

46. I still remember a little fluffy poodle puppy that slept in a cardboard box with a
clock to keep him company, and who pooped on the floor until he got hit on the nose with a
newspaper and the pooped outside. Because you see, that little puppy was me.

47. One thing that annoys a hillbilly more than anything else is if he’s got his mind set
on a tater, but when he gets home he gets a tomater.

48. I’m not sure I believe in the Bible. But I think I would believe if I opened it and
found, say, a fifty-dollar bill, if you get my drift.

49. I don’t think I’d want a surprise birthday party, because I would be o happy and
surprised I might be worried that I would never be happy again. Also, a lot of people
don’t even know the date of my birthday, which is February 25th. Also, I worry that I
won’t be wearing a very nice shirt, because I could use some new shirts.

50. In my next life, I wouldn’t mind coming back as a buzzard, because to be honest, I see
some dead rabbits on the highway that don’t look half bad.

51. If you’re a cowboy, and you are dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would
really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

52. When I was a kid, I remember there was a tree in the backyard that we called the
“Enchanted Apple Tree.” We called it enchanted because anyone who sat under it turned into
a dog. We tried to warn ’em! Eventually, the Army came, and a bunch of scientists, and
they tried to kill the tree, but the tree formed this invisible shield around itself,
which couldn’t be penetrated. I’m not sure what happened after that, because we had to
move.

53. The memories of my family are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all
pile into the car--I forget what kind it was--and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d
go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air
as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.”
We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never
leave you.

54. After I die, and they’re reading a list of my sins, I hope I don’t fall asleep. Sorry,
heard it all before.

55. They should build another ship like Titanic, and name it Titanic, and have it crash
into an iceberg, because come on, we’re bored.

56. It’s weird how a wonderful day can suddenly turn into a tragic day, just from someone
forgetting to bring the beer.

57. Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

58. I think a funny thing would be if you had to give a speech on pasteurized milk, but
you got mixed up and kept calling it “bastardized milk.” Then when you started describing
pasteurization, every other word is a filthy, four-letter one.

59. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman
out of dirt and he married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the
funeral when the preacher said “Dust to dust,” some people laughed, and the cowboy shot
them. At his hanging, he told the others, “I’ll be waiting for you in heaven—with a gun.”

60. Dr. Frankenstein decided that after all the trouble with his first monster, his second
would be different. First of all, he would make him small and skinny, so he could beat him
up if he had to. Also, this time, he would put chains around his ankles. And not just a
chain around each ankle; the chains would be connected to each other. And just for fun,
he’d give him laser vision. What harm could it be?

61. To me, the worst thing about the fall of a civilization is that most of their good
sayings are lost forever. Like what if the Aztecs had a saying, “Don’t eat corn on the day
you are born”? We could use that saying today, but now we don’t have it.

62. If you ever install a trap door in your house, don’t try to catch a monkey in it,
because they can probably climb out, and when they do, they’re mad.

63. I think a funny gag to do if you’re a waiter is ask the guy what he wants, then start
writing and writing, page after page. If the guy asks what you’re writing, just say,
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Then get ready for big laughs and a big tip.

64. If you ever sink in quicksand, I bet one thing that makes you feel dumb is right after
your head goes under you touch bottom.

65. Some days you don’t notice the little things in life. But some days you do, and those
are the days that drive you nuts.

66. Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.

67. Whenever I see a beautiful swan, gliding along, I think, the world is not so terrible.
But then he ducks his head underwater, with his rear end sticking up in the air, and I
think, Yes it is.

68. If you ever visit the world of the future and their heads are much larger than ours,
don’t try to make your head look larger by wearing a Styrofoam helmet or something.
Really, you’re just making us all uncomfortable.

69. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of
money.”

70. I’d like to see a human skull caught in a spider web, because it’s either a really
strong web or a really light skull.

71. Many people would have given up on the town. But we decided to stay. Stay, and make
fun of the things they were trying to do to make the town better, because we couldn’t
afford to leave ad we really didn’t want to help out.

72. Uncle Todd never wanted to talk about the war. I’d ask him all the time to tell me
about it, but he wouldn’t ever talk about it. So I started leaving notes all over his
house saying, “Talk about the war.” Also, I’d call him up late at night and just say, “The
war,” and hang up. I think he cracked up and had to go someplace. He should have talked
about the war.

73. To me the best humor is the kind where you can nod your head and walk away, going,
“Ain’t it the truth.” Then you keep on walking, to your car, and get away.

74. I believe that things happen over and over again, in cycle, which is why you can never
really fire me.

75. People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the
negative side, which is the preening.

76. It’s probably a good thing they didn’t have baseball in the Middle Ages, because a lot
of the games might have been “plagued out.”

77. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if someone is actually a memory, or you just dreamed it.
So I asked my boss if I called him a lying, stinking thief, or if I just dreamed it, and
he said I dreamed it. Whew, that was close.

78. The explorers had heard tales of kangaroos, but until now they had never seen one. But
there it was, in the flesh. “Can we go home now?” said one explorer.

79. If you don’t want to be jealous of your friends, do what I do: only have losers for
friends.

80. Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner
tasted like.

81. Mom used to make the most beautiful Easter eggs. Then she’d hide them in the backyard.
But they were so beautiful, when we found one, we weren’t allowed to pick it up. We had to
point at it, and then Mom would come pick it up with her white gloves and put it back in
its case. Somebody ended up smashing all those eggs with a hammer. I think it was our
dog.

82. People don’t realize what a work of art a bird’s nest is, and how $300 is not too much
to ask for one.

83. As I gazed at the tree being choked by vines, I had mixed feelings. On the one hand,
the vines had a right to live. But on the other, I sure had to go to the bathroom.

84. It’s too bad that the power of tornadoes cannot be harnessed somehow, and then stored,
and then released in the form of powerful, swirling winds which could somehow be used for
useful purposes.

85. I’m glad there is no such thing as a “lightning dog,” because you’d wonder, Does he
get struck by lightning, or does he shoot lightning out of his eyes and/or his rear end?

86. I think a good novel would be about a criminal who is about to be hanged, but a mouse
chews through the rope and the guy escapes. Then the guy commits some more murders and is
caught again. This time he and the mouse are to be hanged together. I know what you’re
thinking: at the last minute does an ant chew thrugh the mouse rope? Don’t be ridiculous.

87. Instead of a big, regular-sized flamethrower, what about a little miniature kind, for
when you want to catch a guy’s pants or hair on fire?

88. For privacy, it’s hard to beat a private, walled-off room. But for ultimate privacy, I
like to go around with a blindfold on.

89. Sometimes I just feel like curling up in a ball and making the world going away. But
then other times I feel like curling up in a ball and walking down the street like that,
to see if anybody will say hi to you.

90. The difference between a kid and an adult is, when you’re a kid you throw water
balloons at cars. But when you’re an adult, you throw water balloons from a car.

91. Isn’t it funny how whenever you see a bird fly out of a tree you duck, because you
think the tree is shooting a pinecone or something at you?

92. It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they
never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

93. The thing about bees that makes me mad is that they don’t make enough products for us.
Honey is okay, and I guess the wax, but what else have you got?

94. There were probably times when Dracula came flying home, through the rain, when he
just thought, Man, what am I doing with my life?

95. I think we should change the name of America to “Ameriky,” because it shows we are no
longer going to be ashamed of our hillbilly side.

96. Sometimes I wish I could shrink down to the size of a cat, and have fur like a cat,
but not be a cat, because I’m not sure I want to go that far.

97. Too bad you can’t just tiptoe across the tops of trees, because I bet you could really
scare some animals.

98. Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through
your stuff.

99. I think there should be a standard size of pillow, and if you want to manufacture a
pillow that’s larger or smaller, that’s fine, but it will not receive the coveted title of
“standard.”

100. One way to make more money at your job is to just make everything an “extra.” For
instance, showing up at work, that’s extra; actually doing work, that’s extra; wearing
clothes, that’s extra. See how it works?

101. Jeff Carlyle wasn’t expecting to find a dead body as he jogged through the park early
that morning. And he didn’t find one, so that was a relief.

102. When I saw the undulating wheat, I guess I must have started undulating too, because
when I woke up I was
under arrest.

103. “Can we keep him, Dad, can we keep him?” I implored.
“Keep what?” said Dad, shifting his pipe in his mouth. I carefully opened the
shoebox, and there, inside, was nothing but tissue paper. I guess it got out. Later that
night, though, I got Dad’s pipe and cracked it with a nutcracker, for fun.

104. Too bad the Spanish conquistadors were only after gold, because they probably walked
right past more tin and manganese than in their wildest imaginations.

105. Sam figured that the dreams of one man didn’t matter much in this world. So he fired
him, and hired a new younger guy. Now there’s a guy who matters!

106. Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, “within
reason.” When I asked her what she meant by “within reason,” she said, “You ask a lot of
questions for a garbage man.”

107. Phillip knew that as king he could not be tried for murder. Plus there was no one he
really wanted to murder. So, either way, things were starting to look pretty good.

108. If the bark is the skin of the tree, then what are the acorns? You don’t want to
know.

109. He was a spy all right, and he knew it. He would walk into a room, and people would
go, “Who the hell is that guy, a spy?” He’d laugh to himself, and maybe pull out his gun
and show it to the person, to kind of impress him (but not to show off). Sometimes spying
was dirty work. Sometimes he’d kill a guy, then pain a clown face on his face. Nobody said
he had to do that, but he did anyway. So, dirty work.

110. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a little boy playing with dolls, as long
as he makes them fight.

111. One thing good about being carried off by army ants is it feels like you’re sliding
along a cushion of air.

112. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because, man,
they’re gone.

113. I don’t pretend to have the answers to all of life’s questions. But I do pretend to
be a spaceman.

114. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down.
I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the
door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o’-lantern with a knife
in the side of its head with a note that says, “you.” After that I usually feel a lot
better, and no harm done.

115. If a full moon made the Wolfman turn into a wolf, a streetlight probably gave him a
real bad headache.

116. I think the best Halloween costume I ever had was from a couple of years ago. I put a
bee’s nest on my head, and went as a guy who was standing under a bee’s nest when it fell
down and got suck on top of his head. Then on top of the bee’s nest, I wore a sombrero. I
think Marta want as a bee.

117. You would probably think that bats would be proud of Dracula. But something tells me
that they just look at him and shake their heads.

118. As I wandered through the old ghost town, I wondered: who built a town for ghosts?
And why would they build it so rickety?

119. I think a good horror movie would be about a demonic windmill that goes crazy and
pumps more water than it normally would.

120. There used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you’d hear
people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found
out it was just a murderer’s house.

121. One year I thought, instead of throwing away my jack-o’-lantern after Halloween, why
not donate it to charity? And why not get all the other jack-o’-lanterns from the other
front porches and donate them too? But when I drove to the Salvation Army, it was closed,
so I just tossed them over the fence.

122. Instead of having “answers” on a math test, they should just call them “impressions,”
and if you got a different “impression,” so what, can’t we all be brothers?

123. Grandpa was a superstitious old guy. One of his superstitions he told me was “Tell
Grandma about my whisky, and you won’t be so frisky.” Another one was “wake me from my
nap, and you will get a slap.” I think a lot of them ended with “slap.”

124. I think there should be a thirty-dollar bill, because how many times have you tried
to buy something with a twenty-dollar bill but you didn’t have enough money?

125. I believe that anything you could possibly imagine could happen, but not in the wild,
outrageous way that you could describe.

126. If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it’s some type of parasite,
because this is the part where I take it easy!

127. I wish I could just take a little dive and burrow into the ground, because now after
I take my little dive I just lay there.

128. I bet one of the hardest things when you first start riding in a flying saucer is
learning to get your “saucer legs.”

129. If you are ever in a lot of pain, and a guy says to you, “Bite down hard on this,” he
doesn’t mean his finger.

130. I don’t think God would have made so many things that have a dirty or suggestive
shape if He did not want us to bring them as gifts for dinner parties.

131. Sometimes when I walk down the street I like to walk with that kind of ice-skating
motion, because then people think you know how to skate. But here’s the good part: I
don’t.

132. Whether they find life there or not I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy
planet.

133. As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable—until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all, but a human head!

134. Sometimes it’s funny just to hop in the old boat and take the family out for a spin
on the lake, even if it’s not your family and it’s not your boat and everyone’s screaming
for you to stop.

135. Probably one of the health hazards of panning for gold is possible eye damage from
something called “pan-glare.”

136. If you’re a tightrope walker, I bet one thing that really makes you mad is if you’re
walking on your rope and something goes flying by, and then later on you find out you were
almost hit by the Human Cannonball.

137. I think a good joke to do at your wedding is, when you’re supposed to say “I do,” in
stead say “I do now.” (I’m not sure what it means, but maybe it’ll get a laugh.)

138. Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.

139. Probably the worst thing about being a Wild West garbage man was that you were always
getting in shoot-outs with people you woke up.

140. The trouble with finding a coin on the sidewalk is, when you bend over to pick it up,
you usually fall right over on your back. And then you have to keep doing somersaults down
the sidewalk, so you don’t look stupid.

141. Beginner barbarians probably had the idea that every house they broke into would be
full of untouched loot and frightened, unharmed victims. It just doesn’t work that way, my
friend.

142. Margo thinks I don’t dress up enough. But I’d like to say two things to Margo: first
of all, what do you consider “dressing up”? And also, who are you?

143. As I skipped the rock across the lake, I thought, my life is a lot like that rock. It
bounces up and down and then hits a scuba diver right in the mask.

144. If you’re an ant, and you’re walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you
probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that
pudding skin.

145. I think it should be a law that if any bird touches our flag, and you can catch it,
it should be made to kiss out flag.

146. If you’re being chased by an angry bull, and then you notice you’re also being chased
by a swarm of bees, it doesn’t really change things. Just keep running.

147. If you’re eating a bowl of something and you hear a noise or something outside, hurry
and eat the rest of what’s in the bowl, because you never know.

148. The first atom bomb was probably nothing more
than a large wooden paddle attached to a thick rubber band, and when you opened the lid
the paddle slapped you repeatedly across the face.

149. How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more
feathers than the dove, and it doesn’t have that dangerous beak.

150. I remember the first time I ever saw a shooting star I said, “What the hell is that?”
But nowadays when I see one I just say, “What is that?” I leave out the “hell” part. Maybe
when I’m older I’ll just say “whazzit?”

151. If all your life you fear a certain thing will happen, when it finally does happen
guess what: it could happen again.

152. At first I thought it would be a bad thing if you landed in a desert in your
parachute and the parachute stayed puffed up and started dragging you all over the place.
But what might happen is, when you finally stop, hey, my pockets are full of arrowheads!
Thanks!

153. It’s a good thing Superman came to Earth when he did, because in the olden days his
costume would have been considered obscene.

154. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and your friends are all
watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you are swimming.

155. In the Old West days, when a whiskey manufacturer saw a cowboy just pull the cork out
of a bottle of whiskey and then rear back and pour the whiskey down his throat, with a lot
of it sloshing out of his mouth, he probably though, This is not how we intended our
product to be used.

156. Joseph L. Canteen had an idea. Why not carry water around in a metal container,
instead of having the men wet their beards and then later squeeze the water out into a
cup?

157. It’s funny how some things haven’t changed for hundreds of years, like the suit of
armor.

158. To me, death is like a doorway. And getting knocked out is like one of those pet
doors. And sleep is like a little mouse hole.

159. When I was seven, I told my friend Timmy Barker I would give hime a million dollars
if he would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars.
As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840.

160. I guess I wouldn’t mind if aliens from outer space came and visited our planet. But
please, no children.

161. I bet it would really be a drag if there was only one thing you regretted in your
life, but you couldn’t remember what it was. Damn!

162. Sometimes I want answers, and I want answers fast. Like, what exactly is this you
cooked for me?

163. I don’t like beets. I’ve often wondered where this started, and I think it goes back
to the time I first had beets, and I didn’t like them then either.

164. At Halloween, one thing we would do is get a paper bag full of dog manure and light
it on fire, and then inhale the smoke to see if it would get you high. I don’t know why we
did that on Halloween. One time my parents almost caught us, and we had to stamp on the
paper bag to put it out, and we got dog manure all over our shoes.

165. I remember one day I was at Grandpa’s farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of
smiled and said, “Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don’t we go out to the
horse pasture and I’ll show you.” So we did, and there on the ground were my parents
having sex.

166. I feel that deep down inside, my friend Tom has a lot of anger, because the last time
I saw him he was chasing me.

167. One good thing about hell, at least, is you can probably pee wherever you want to.

168. At first, it seamed like a perfect day, out in the rowboat with my best gal. But
then, guess who goes by in another rowboat? My second-best gal! And guess who’s with her?
My best friend! All I could do was shake my head and go, “well, that’s rowboatin’.”

169. Every year at Christmas a whole set of emotions sweet over me—emotions which probably
go back to my childhood. The first emotion is wondering if I’m going to get any presents.
Then it changes to “Hooray, I got some presents!” Then it changes to “Is this all the
presents I got?”

170. A good thing to do, if you have a lot of time, is to walk up behind people on the
street, tap them on the shoulder, and when they turn around, see if you know them.

171. When you’re a kid, sliding down a snowy hill on a sled, the world can seem so fresh.
But it’s different when you’re an adult, sliding down a hill of garbage on a “toboggan”
made of rats.

172. Something tells me that the rest-room facilities on flying saucers are not nearly as
nice as you’d think they’d be.

173. I guess what I am looking for in a vacation home is a place where people will leave
you alone, but you don’t have to leave them alone.

174. One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is sometimes I lose stuff.

175. Mable McCoy was a kindly old lady, and very happy. And why not? She had all the
jackasses she could ever want. As she gazed from her kitchen window, she could see them
frolicking in the field. But there was one thing she didn’t have, and one thing she always
wanted: a glass jackass. One day a delivery truck pulled up out front, and some men
started unloading a large crate marked FRAGILE. A couple of her jackasses came up to
sniff. But when she opened the crate, it was only the set of dishes she had ordered. Mable
McCoy smiled to herself. Maybe she was the glass jackass.

176. Marta Keeps telling me I should try to be more aware of things as they’re happening.
I think it’s Marta who says that.

177. Nature has given us everything we need. For warmth, she has given us sunshine. Also
for warmth she has given us moon-shine. She has also given us shoe shines, but not for
free.

178. I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I’d just
quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that
anyway.

179. Sometimes I think you have to act like a man. I agree with that. But when and where
and how, that’s the part I can’t figure out.

180. If you ever get gored by a bull moose, while you’re up on his antlers go ahead and
pet him on the head, because trust me, that’s as close as you’re going to get.

181. I bet when you first start working to shrink a head, it’s hard to focus on how good
it’s going to look when it’s finished. All you can think about is how much work is
involved.

182. When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually
the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.

183. How many of us, if we are pirates, actually take the time to talk to our parrots? And
I don’t just mean repeating bawdy phrases over and over again.

184. I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale.
They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never
find him? It doesn’t say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at
the very end, there’s a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

185. Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, Aw, who cares?
Then I think, Hey, what’s for supper?

186. I lay there watching that anthill for hours. I watched them scurrying back and forth,
carrying things, digging new tunnels, and finally it hit me: these are the things that are
biting me.

187. It’s easy to go get some lumber and nails and a saw and try to build something.
Anybody can do that. But what’s hard is to try to take a nap while someone is hammering
and sawing.

188. When I go fishing, I don’t have to worry about things like who I am or did I know
this was private property or where my license is. The only thing I want to worry about is
who is going to help me get my car out of this flower garden.

189. One day I was at Grandpa’s farm and Grandpa asked me if I wanted to see him cut the
head off a chicken. I said no, but he said to come anyway, that it would be good for me.
It wasn’t. It was horrible. Blood spurting everywhere, grandpa running around screaming,
and worst of all, grandpa’s finger still wriggling after it had been cut off. If this is
“good” for kids, then I’d hate to see what’s bad.

190. I bet monkeys are able to get into heaven, but they don’t get the big white swan
wings like we get. They just get little hoot owl wings. But let me tell you something:
even with those little wings, those guys can fly! They’re like little buzz bombs, is what
they are.

191. Whenever I would go down to the pier, there would be this old man sitting there,
fishing. He brought his own chair, an old beat-up lawn chair, and an old bucket to keep
his bait in. he never said anything, but he always had a smile when you walked by. One day
I went to the pier and he wasn’t there. I guess those letters I wrote to the Pier
commission finally did some good. About a month later he came back, but I wrote another
letter and he was gone. That oughta do it.

192. If you ever get invited to the reading of a will, I think it’s a good idea to bring
an empty suitcase, in case you have to bring home a bunch of money. And if you don’t get
any money you can just open the suitcase and go, “Hey, who stole all my clothes?!”

193. There is a certain price that I will pay for something, and if the price is higher
than I am willing to pay, then I simply refuse to pay for the item, because in my view,
the price must come down. So when the man told me the price, I just said I shannot pay
that price, because I shan never pay a price which is too high. “But I’ll tell you what I
shan do,” I said. I started to say something else but I was hit on the head by something.

194. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people
happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

195. I’ll never forget the first Playboy magazine I ever got. I was so young, I was too
embarrassed to buy it. So I shoplifted it. On the way out the store guy saw me and yelled
for me to stop, but I ran out. He ran after me, and started chasing me through the parking
lot. I saw a car with the keys left in it, so I jumped behind the wheel and took off, even
though I didn’t know how to drive. A couple of blocks away, I crashed the car into a
parked car. I hit my head, and it was bleeding a little bit, but I was okay. A guy came
out of his house and started yelling at me, but I grabbed my Playboy and jumped over a
fence, and got away. I think it was a pretty good issue of Playboy. I think there was an
interview with Ralph Nader.

196. Instead of a time machine, what about a lime machine? Maybe it doesn't take you back
in time, but it might transport you to a place of tropical refreshment.

197. As i Tried to explain to my neighbour, or whoever that guy was, yodeling isn't my
hobby or my profession. It's just something I like to do with dogs whenever we get
"that feelin'."

198. If you are caught outside during a hurricane, and you need to grab onto a tree trunk,
try to find a cork tree. (They're softer, and it will better absorb involuntary head
butts.) If you cannot find a cork tree, stretch out your arms and try to fly away.

199. It's funny, but I used to go fishing more often with Grandma than with Grandpa. We'd
just take off in the boat and leave Grandpa on shore, cussing and yelling. I think that
most of the time he thought it was a pretty good joke. One time, when Grandma and I
weren't paying attention, the boat drifted in close to shore and Grandpa started swimming
out to us, but we just took off again.

200. The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

201. As I stood there looking at the beautiful waterfall, I wondered how many other people
had stood there, and then how many had candy corn "teeth" sticking out between
their lips like I did.

202. Sometimes you don't realize how much you have until you see that someone else wants
it.