| Bio: |
What do you want me to be?
Well, too bad.
Im a 5’8 white boy, graduated high school last year and am now in my first semester
in college.
i like sports, video games, and music.
i will compose a list in the future.
quote: "You can boo all you want to but I’m right!" Simon Cowell
i do have a girlfriend, sorry ladies, but i dont think anyone out there has a
chance against her. and if you just want to join in, well, you gotta get her
permission.
Bret blows goats...I have proof.
i have many favorite bands, and i will start a list that will grow rapidly until you no
longer care.
korn, fuel, puddle of mudd, p.o.d., yellowcard, rooney, marylin manson, disturbed,
blink 182, good charlotte, sugarcult, gob, simple plan, maroon 5, afi, tenacious d, the
used, die trying, thrice, hoobastank, lost prophets, depswa,
whitest
r[blue]ipes, audioslave, sevendust, foo
fighters, linkin park, cold, eminem, story of the year, three days grace, trapt, adema,
i have a passion for movies, and will not even begin to list those worth watching,
although maybe later i will.
i love basketball, baseball, and football, and follow the Kings, Mariners
and Cowboys, respectively. i am a distance runner, this is an advance
warning that i am insane so dont be surprised.
i love food, especially the food that is "bad" for you. i hate mustard and
tuna.
my girlfriend is greek and left handed, which means she’s weird like me. she is
beautiful and funny and always entertaining. she likes stupid penguins.
i like wolves. they kick ass. see my website for details.
aim: wolfbitten_ouch
lastly, like every other guy, i am an asshole. so there.
The Turtle Fairy Tale
There was once a boy. His name was Fred. One day Fred met a turtle. The turtle told
Fred his name was Bob. Bob told Fred that he was really a wealthy prince but he was put
under a spell by the evil witch Helga. Helga, Bob said, was a very evil witch that hated
princes, and she turned every one that she came across into a turtle. Bob explained that
being a turtle sucked because it was boring and he moved very slowly. The only
interesting fact Bob could tell Fred about turtles is that they are capable of breathing
through their butts. The only way to end the curse and make Bob a prince again would be
to have a human feed him a piece of a sandwich. Fred looked at bob, and looked back at
his sandwich. Then he stomped on Bob and continued on his way. Turtles can’t
talk.
That story makes me hungry. No, wait, that’s horny. I get the two mixed up
sometimes.
So bret Chris and I apparently have these "lists" of people we would
"lay," (I was the last to be informed that I had one, but oh well) and Debbie
is #65738291658433262908084625164765876880.333
btw there’s less than 10000000000 people in the world.
Don’t worry Brittany.
Anyone seen the video for My Band by eminem featuring D12? Fucking hilarious!
So check out my poems or something cause this profile has to get boring after a while.
Since I’m a poor bastard They will be rotated here when i have more than 5.
The Onion articles
Smoking Ban Collapses Fragile Prison Economy
SOLEDAD, CA—A pen-wide smoking ban instituted last week devastated the Salinas Valley
State Prison’s fragile economy, inmate #67545 said Monday. "There were occasional
fluctuations or recalibrations, but a bar of soap used to equal three cigarettes; a
Snickers, four; a Percocet, 15," said Kenneth Oglivy, a former WorldCom accountant
serving 10 years for embezzlement. "After the ban, the value of a carton of Newports
climbed to 50 times its 2003 value. Now that those cigarettes are gone, it’s total
chaos." Oglivy said Salinas Valley inmates will have to devise a new system of value
based on some other commodity, such as assholes.
8 APRIL 1997
Gay Gene Isolated, Ostracized
BALTIMORE—On Friday, scientists at Johns Hopkins University isolated the gene which causes
homosexuality in human males, promptly separating it from normal, heterosexual genes.
"I had suspected that gene was queer for a long time now. There was just something
not quite right about it," team leader Dr. Norbert Reynolds said. "It’s a good
thing we isolated it—I wouldn’t want that faggot-ass gene messing with the straight
ones." Among the factors Reynolds cited as evidence of the gene’s gayness were its
pinkish hue, meticulously frilly perimeter, and faint but distinct perfume-like odor.
[red] Fun With Strong Mad Libs
ALL HAIL BRET, THE WAR WALRUS. ONCE EVERY 69 YEARS HE IS
FREED FROM HIS PRISON IN THE KURT BRODER ZONE. HE WILL BRING
FLOWERS AND PEACHES TO THE PEOPLE OF BRETS
HOUSE. WITH HIS MIGHTY PHONE IN HAND HE WILL SLAP
YOU ALL. IN ORDER TO BE SPARED YOU MUST LEAVE A KIWI UNDER YOUR
PENIS. ONLY THEN WILL BRET SUCK YOU.
Advertisement
WASHINGTON, DC—In the latest round of political mudslinging, both John Kerry’s and George
W. Bush’s election committees have replaced ads that focus on their opponents’
shortcomings with ads that personally insult the voting public.
"The Bush people initiated this volley of negative ads, but we won’t be lured into a
reactive campaign against the Republicans," Kerry campaign manager Mary Beth Cahill
said Monday. "It’s time to redirect the cheap name-calling away from Bush and toward
those Americans who might be idiotic enough to vote for him."
A controversial 30-second TV spot for Kerry that aired throughout the Midwest Monday
blamed the country’s ills not on Bush’s policies, but on the "sheer stupidity"
of America’s voters.
"In the past four years, America’s national debt has reached an all-time high,"
the ad’s narrator said. "And who’s responsible? You are. You’re sitting there eating
a big bowl of Fritos, watching TV, and getting fatter as the country goes to hell. You
ought to be ashamed of yourself."
Over a series of images of America’s senior citizens, the narrator of another 30-second
spot says, "The Medicare drug bill is a triumph of right-wing ideology masquerading
as moderate reform. The pharmaceutical-drug and insurance industries are tickled pink.
Guess who’s paying for it? You. Congratulations, moron. I’m John Kerry and I approved this
message."
The Bush-Cheney 2004 camp recently began airing an anti-voter ad in 20 major urban areas
nationwide.
"Are you going to vote for a candidate whose campaign promises would cost America
$1.9 trillion over the next decade?" the ad asks. "Of course you aren’t. You
aren’t going to vote at all. In the last election, half of you didn’t even show up. So, on
Nov. 2, just spend the day right there at your dead-end office job, talking to your
coworkers about your new sweater and e-mailing your friends photos of your stupid
2-year-old daughter you shouldn’t have had."
The ad concludes: "You make me sick."
Both ad campaigns met with cries of outrage from viewers in all demographic groups, and
were therefore deemed successful.
"I don’t pay my taxes so some suit in Washington can get on national television and
call me a clown," said Bobbie Lee, a 35-year-old mechanic from Detroit. "Those
Kerry ads piss me off so bad. So what if my teeth are stained? So what if I do wear
sweatsocks? Everyone I show the videotape to gets just as mad. Just who does Kerry think
he is? Before last week, I didn’t even know his name."
"That Bush ad said that I should wake up to the fact that I’m trapped in a loveless
marriage," said 29-year-old Kathlene Richmond, an account executive from West
Virginia. "But the Republicans don’t understand Larry. He’s just not very
communicative. You don’t think the GOP is right, do you?"
Based on the success of the TV ads, both campaigns have announced plans to attack voters
through other media, as well.
New direct-mail campaigns will solicit contributions with such slogans as "Fork over
some of your paycheck to Kerry. Or are you too cheap?" and "One in 25 Americans
donated money to a national political campaign in 2003. One in three Americans subscribed
to cable television. Pathetic."
"Only faggots want higher taxes" "You stupid fat filthy fucks"
One Bush ad specifically targets homeowners.
"Do you pay property taxes?" the ad asks. "On that shack? Jesus, why don’t
you fix that place up a little bit? Have some pride. It’s filthy. I don’t even want to
know how long it’s been since you last vacuumed, much less painted. You couldn’t pay
George W. Bush and Dick Cheney a billion dollars to live in that dirty, disgusting,
rundown rat-trap."
Although the ads have angered voters, Charles Wayne, a professor of political science at
Georgetown University, called them "a refreshing shift toward more honesty in the
political process."
"Emotionally manipulative attack ads obscure the candidates’ real positions and
insult the intelligence of America’s voters," Wayne said. "The fact that the
major political powers are voicing their disdain for the public shows they are no longer
hiding behind empty rhetoric. I see that as a positive step."
Campaign ads containing the slogans "Hey, dumbass—Kerry For President" and
"Vote Bush in November, all you stupid shitheads" are slated to appear in 50
major newspapers Friday. |
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